


Do You Love Me?/Cuts Like A Knife

by Nadja_Lee



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, Love, Love/Hate, Sad, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-30
Updated: 2002-06-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22924921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: First Jean and then Scott thinks about their very strange and often painful relationship and compares it to Logan and Rogue's.
Relationships: Jean Grey/Scott Summers, Logan/Rogue (X-Men)
Kudos: 2





	Do You Love Me?/Cuts Like A Knife

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Estelle for the Beta.
> 
> Inspired by "Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill and "Knife" was sung by Rockwell

**Chapter 1: Do You Love Me? -Jean**

"Do you love me, Jean?"

You can't ask like that. You can't ask me that. I choke on my reply, I don't know what to say or do…I'll rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie.

Love has never been something clear and pure to me. It has always been a game. In my home there was never any 'I love you's, hugs or big emotions…..it wasn't done. I'm not sure I would know how to do it. In time you lose your ability to be honest and pure in your love and I did just that.

I wouldn't know how to have a simple love or how to repay it in kind. My love has always been like a conflicted pattern of mixed colours.

So do I love you? I'm not sure. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want you near me; other times I want you to stay away. Sometimes I seek your love, other times I provoke your hate. Sometimes I need your respect; other times I purposely destroy it. Sometimes I want you to be safe and other times I seek to hurt you.

Why? I don't know. It's complicated. I've never learned how to love unconditionally; I wouldn't know how to do that. I hardly know what I want so how should I be able to explain it to others?

I look at others around me, like Logan and Rogue. They share a special bond, it's like they are connected at the heart. Their love is pure and unconditional; it's innocent in its intensity and shines bright through the darkness. They make love seem so simple; like a fairytale. Sometimes I envy them that and other times I only feel contempt.

Maybe it's the openness and honesty in their relationship that scares yet excites me. I hardly know who I am or what I want…..if I try to psychoanalyse myself I wouldn't let myself out among other people for a very long time. The mind is a strange thing; it can save you…..or imprison you and somehow…..it's always so hard to figure out just which of the two it is you're doing. Am I freed or imprisoned, locked in my own mind?

Sometimes I want to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry…till this pretend and strange game we play is stopped…sometimes I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides. Sometimes I want to hide, run far away, sometimes….

Sometimes I want to hurt you, see you bleed, see you cry. Sometimes I want to break you, drive you to your knees, see your heart break and see you beg and plea. Sometimes I want to help you up, guide you, lead you, take care of you and never leave you.

At times I think we're drifting apart yet we always come together. We hurt, we love…..it never stops. It's a circle I can't break.

At times I understand you and I feel so near you….then everything falls apart and you're a stranger again. At times I want to lay down my pride and just be yours….at other times I want to stand tall and never break down.

Sometimes the feelings inside me dim and you're like a brother or friend but then the flame ignites again and the game is on. Sometimes I close my eyes and just wish things could be simple and I didn't have to hurt you like I do or take the hurt you give me.

Who am I to judge you? We're in a game and generally one I'm winning but you're coming after it. Sometimes I fear I've destroyed the light in you because sometimes I feel no light in you at all, just a cold and cruel cunning, a predator's smile on your lips…but then the mask falls back into place and I'm left to wonder which part of you is real and which is pretend.

" Do you love me?"

What can I say? I never lie; that's part of the game. We never lie…in words anyway.

"Sometimes, Scott….sometimes."

**Chapter 2: Cuts Like A Knife- Scott**

"Do you love me, Scott?"

I've never known love; I don't know what it is. I'm an orphan; love was for princes in fairytales…..never for me.

Do I love you? What a strange thing to ask. Of course I do…..but I also hate you. You bring me the greatest joy and the greatest pain.

You play a game and too late I figured out that I was part of it. Closeness or distance, love or hate, joy or sorrow…it's all just a game.

When you smile at me I melt and I can't help smiling back, when you put your arms around me I swear I'm in Heaven, when you're near me I want to bless the day I met you.

But then you turn around. You avoid me; pull free from my embrace, go hunting and hurt me in the worst possible ways. You bring me to my knees, you hurt and taunt me…

At first I thought it was a phase. The only thing I had to compare our love to was what I've read in books or seen in TV and they always make it look so easy…. their love was only joy and happiness. So when you started pulling back I let you go, when you flirted with others in front of me I pretended I didn't see….when you stayed away for entire nights only to return to explain in full what you had done…I tried to be strong but tears fell from my eyes and I fell to my knees and begged; please don't break me this way. Please don't. Your words and actions are like a knife. It cuts me like a knife to my heart. I'm so deeply wounded.

But you continued to hurt me; you always do. It's a game, I know that now. Love's nothing but a game. Little by little my childhood fantasies of a perfect love dimmed and left only cold hard reality. Well, two can play this game. Two can be a knife. I haven't lived on the streets for nothing. I can take that coldness back I gave up to love you; believe me, darling, if you want to compare coldness and hurtful schemes…..I'll bury you.

Don't judge me for what I do; you started it. I've yet to take a lover and you have had many so don't look like that…..I must admit I do enjoy the flash of hurt in your eyes when I purposely kiss Kitty in front of you. She admires me, hero worships me….I use her. Maybe if I could let my wall down I could see her in another light than a tool to get to you but as long as you can wound me so deeply I don't dare to open my heart.

Our game continued and culminated when Logan and Rogue arrived. Of course you had to put the moves on him; I knew you would. What you hadn't counted on was he refusing you. No one has ever refused you before. I couldn't help laughing at your baffled look when he turned you down rather loudly in the dinner hall…..priceless.

I see them together; Logan and Rogue. I envy them so strongly I can taste it. I don't love Rogue in that way but I envy the love they share. It's so pure and simple. They have no games and no barriers. They're open and honest…Gods, I wish I had a love like that. Their love is in one word; perfect. They're so matched to each together, there is no power play or hurtful words between them, no role games…no mind games. He's her protector and she's his soul and heart. So simple and so pure. So….perfect.

Don't I deserve a love like that? Maybe I don't. Maybe I want a love like the love I share with you; filled with joy…filled with pain. Maybe I need it.

But the truth is it hurts me. Cuts like a knife. I'm bleeding, I'm drowning. I'm so deeply wounded. How will I ever heal? Can I heal?

"Do you love me?"

Your question is unreasonable, darling, but so is this game we have to play. So, what shall I say? I can't lie. We never lie in words…..only with everything else we've got.

"Occasionally, Jean….. occasionally."

And in my mind I add; when you don't cut me like a knife. Can't you see I'm so deeply wounded?

The End


End file.
